MIND YOURSELF!

My teacher of class 2^nd, Mrs. Nanu never had a monitor for her section; instead she insisted on her one liner “each one of you, mind yourself”. This is what all MCP’s including our Delhi Commissioner, the Canadian policeman and all those who think that girls shouldn’t venture out alone at night or revealing clothes lead to molestation and rape, should know. Rather than restricting females and propounding regulations regarding their dress, hours of freedom etc., they should forbid males from unleashing their testosterone terror.

Notice the similarity that runs through the minds of men whether they are fanatics belonging to underdeveloped Afghanistan, relatively literate policeman of a developed nation and intellectuals, such as a Commissioner of a developing nation as India. Call it chauvinism, narrow mindedness or belonging to a utopian society, men from times immemorial have (im)matured with this superiority complex of being born to control and dictate terms to women and play overpowered hunters, instead of minding their own business and practicing self-control.

This is the only crime where the guilty goes scot free and the victim is further traumatised. That is being really unfair to the fairer sex. A girls clothing or her being alone at any time isn’t a reason for a man to turn into a beast and if he does he should be dealt as one and the female should not bear the brunt. All this hue and cry is because men still haven’t learned to curb their desires and this gives them a reason to behave as sex starved animals. A man targeting a woman’s sexuality in any way or seizing control of a woman's body, without respect for her as a human being is the worst form torture that can be inflicted upon her.

Do these Talibans in tuxedos give amorous glances to their daughters and sisters if they wear skirts or shorts? If your daughter or sister has dressed provocatively, you might be ashamed but I doubt if all fathers or brothers will end up raping them. Talking of sisters, in a daily dose of one of my mom’s favourite soaps, that I accidently happened to watch, was a line the protagonist uses when she reprimands her brother for hitting a girl. She very rightly points out that an animal cannot control himself but in all circumstances a human being is expected to restrain himself from such extremes.

So if men can control themselves in front of daughters and sisters, they must further exercise it to all females who are not related in blood, are alone at any of all 24-hours or wears provocative dress. Although I don’t advocate slut walks and degrading ourselves by wearing revealing clothes but this doesn’t gives a male reason to stare, molest or rape. It’s like knocking them off the Homo sapiens level and kicking them back to chimpanzee. Such altered species need to be locked in a zoo or end up in a rehabilitation center.

I remember, back in college, some of my classmates left for co-ed schools for better academic environment (and of course for boyfriends). To their dismal they were locked up in classrooms during recess or when teachers weren’t around and boys were allowed to roam wherever they wanted. Why males have the excuse of being mechanistic animals, who just can't stop themselves? Why only male-set of hormones, (incidentally also present in females, though smaller in amounts) give them the opportunity to be as immoral and beastial as they wish? Why is it that all the morality and self-restrain is expected from females?

I have been observing hijab since a long time now. Yet I still get those sick-at-heart and still-interested glances and my being covered head-to-toe hasn’t dissuaded men from staring. Dressing decently and appropriately by females is one thing. More important is that men should learn to exercise self-control, respect a woman as being a free human not merely a sex object, not just being a body and respect her right to say no to sex at all times.

THE BEST DRESSED MALE

Their scarcity can be gauged from the fact that the sole nomination and winner from both categories of the best dressed and only well-dressed male at my workplace is Jitendra, my peon. Although he cannot differentiate A from B, has the duskiest of complexion, stands just 4 feet above the ground and has a quarter of salary what most of his peers get. But with his dressing sense, his choice of clothes, pick of colours he can put to shame even a lot of executives.

Recently a survey published in Daily Mirror involving CEO’s, Diplomats, VIP's and Politicians pointed out that 80% of them didn’t have a good dress sense. Out of this percentage 50% were almost clueless about clothes! 30% had an average taste in good choice of clothes. The remaining 20% were good dressers and excellent buyers of their stuff without any intervention of wives, girlfriends or mothers. But then, the influence and help of sales person can’t be ruled out.

Guys are genetically programmed into having at least one of these traits namely unironed clothes, untucked shirts, unmatched clothing, bushy or untrimmed moustache, stubble or scruffy full-face beard, unclipped nails, smelly socks that give anaesthetics a good competition,  greasy tousled hairdo attended occasionally by 50-rupee barbers of limited styling repertoire and ability.
It should also be remembered that males do belong to Mars, a planet where trend is yet unknown. If he wears an Armani suit, it's more of a demonstration of success than of fashion sense. Talking of suits, even if they are Armani or Burberry, they are always hues of black, grey or brown. For a majority, apart from these three basic colors, men seem to be colour-blind to the rest, noticeable only those of cars and bikes. Wearing shades of reds, greens etc. are as if belonging to gay culture.
How can men even think to fail or lag in this area anymore because fortunately or unfortunately, intentionally, somewhat intentionally or unintentionally we do form opinions about people based on their style of dress. A person in a professional attire and makeup will be portrayed somewhat more positively in an interview than someone who is in jeans and T-shirt. While a business suit won’t garner the same interest as casuals on almost all other situations.
Laxity in personal presentation anywhere is bound to have dismal consequences. Even youngsters today want their parents to be prim, mostly where Moms top charts. A child of five was overheard saying he wished to change his father for a new and smarter one and that too from Sahara Ganj where he shopped for his best stuff.
Decent dressing for males may not be the only-thing but definitely it is the in-thing for now especially when their female counterparts are dominating the fashion industry and stand head and shoulder above men in their dress sense. This is true even in the grave political or serious corporate world where many successful women are known to carry themselves exceptionally well when it comes to dressing up. Dressing smartly not only invites envious and admiring glances but can also help you win a little more respect than your peers as in case of Jitendra.

DARLING FATHERS AND DARING DAUGHTERS

Anu was all of 5 when her father left for Dubai to earn. Young Anu laid plates for her father every night at dinner not knowing how far away Dubai was. She carried this notion and ritual for over many months thinking her father may appear any day. Over the next 20 years she developed a number of psychological and physical ailments ranging from anxiety neurosis, bipolar disorder to osteoclastoma all having their roots in that episode of yearning for her father.

Even I, myself used to develop high grade unexplained fever whenever my father was outstation on tour. I used to croon yaad aa rahi hai, for him, even though I was still learning to speak.

The above cited incidents show how important a father is to a daughter and the prime role he has to play in her life. He is the first male that a girl comes across and hence becomes the role model of her life. Boyfriends, brothers, even husbands can’t shape a girls character the way a father does. He influences her entire life because she gives him an authority she gives to no other man.

All daughters need their fathers from childhood to adolescence to adulthood. And the best part of this relationship for her is to know that she is loved unselfishly and unconditionally. It is also said that the bond the father and daughter shares helps her through all difficult challenges in life as he is always right behind to pick her up when she stumbles.

A daughter’s self-esteem is best predicted by her father’s physical affection. Girls with doting fathers are more assertive. Fathers help daughters become more competent, more achievement-oriented and hence more successful. It is 'he' who will teach his daughter the values of life and to know that having rich values inbuilt can be much more achieving than just having a pretty face. AND ONLY LOVING FATHERS RAISE STRONG DAUGHTERS.

The way a father treats his daughter is a strong indicator of how she will relate to men for the rest of her life.  She sees the reflection of men in the rest of the world, through her dad and often perceives that all men should be like her father. He plays the most influential role in her life. He is the guide, the savior, the protector, a friend and most importantly, the ultimate caretaker, who nourishes her in the loving and protective atmosphere set by him. He is so determined to give the best life possible.

My father gave me all the freedom a girl could ask for apart from immensurable love, care and affection. All of life’s decisions have been taken by me and he has remained my pillar of strength and trusted me all the times. He is never concerned with what family and friends would think of my bizarre decisions. The best thing about my father is his unlimited patience and that he keeps all hurt to himself. I wished that all girls had as angelic, liberal and loving father as mine.

I.S.D. versus S.T.D. (on NO TOBACCO DAY, MAY 31st)

It’s been long since I have been having this debate with Dr Manmohan Singh. Not our prime minister but my senior of last 8 years. And in all these years two of our habits haven’t much changed. Mine I.S.D. and his S.T.D. In those pre-cell phone days, to make a call you usually had to access a S.T.D. booth. He too used to sneak in between the working hours for S.T.D., though it was never to call anywhere but to smoke a fag.He would tell his patients or colleagues that he has to rush for an urgent STD call. Those who knew smiled sheepishly and who didn’t, commiserated.

While he was popular for STD, I was famous for I.S.D. calls lasting 5-10 minutes. It was those few minutes when I would disappear to offer Namaaz and if anyone asked about my whereabouts my senior would simply tell that she has gone for an ISD call. Our habits, my advisement over non-smoking and his justifications for doing so have continued for last 8 years.

Smokers, without exception, have self-satisfying rationale for non-acquittal and to hold on. Some blame tension, strain, guilt leading to self destruction while others peer-pressure, frustration of not being able to do something you wanted or sense of rebellion. But I find my option of praying, in a similar situation, better, natural and far more logical.

Work, relationships and money all contributes to daily distress. But is there anyone who solved an inherent life problem or a real catastrophe by a glowing cigarette? In fact it is the most gutless act of escaping instead of solving a difficult situation and one of the most cowardly modes of suicide.

 I reason that this is the result of being dissatisfied and unhappy about oneself and circumstances and not being able to realise God and gift of life. Prayer is a communion with God. It has been said that, "Seven days without prayer, makes one weak". Perhaps it is this weakness which makes one succumb to addictions. Prayer allays fear and anxiety, which in turn disrupts the vicious circle of stress, smoking and addiction.

 Regular praying makes you better and stronger human being not only physically but also spiritually. Prayer alone repairs the soul, while smoking only ruins and devastates health. Prayer gives you strength to resist temptation to all kinds of addictions. It connects you to the right kind of people and avoids peer-pressure which eventually brings peace in homes and jobs. Besides you can pray as much, long and whenever you want without boring God.

Isn’t it better to pray than to give up or surrender to a fag? So ISD or STD which one you think is better? Will you still continue to smoke?

TWICE IN LOVE WITH HIM

He was Adonis to look at. His fair skin, sharp chiseled features, dark hair made him pure eye candy among girls. It was my weakness for fair skinned, bespectacled, intelligent looking men that landed me amidst his teenage fans.

It was at a party, after more than a decade that I recently met him. His grey hair now added to his charm. I kept admiring his looks and charms from corner of my eyes. Then the bomb was dropped from somewhere. I overheard that he has been married for a long time now. How can he marry without asking any of his fans?  I kept thinking and biting my fingertips and lips alternately. I looked around for my childhood friends to share this tragic news.

But shock of the shocks was his wife, to whom he introduced me mid-way in the party. She was the most simple looking, wheatish complexioned girl, whom I thought was most unlikely to be his wife. But that was not all. It was when she stood up to meet me and together we moved chatting towards eateries that I observed she had polio and there was obvious limp while she walked.

She later told that he was her distant cousin and no one would agree marrying her because of her disability, when this teenage crush of mine stepped in and changed her life for ever and for good. She kept telling me how much he cares and loves her and all this when she had given up all hopes of leading a happily married life.Wasnt this man ashamed of his wife in public ? Why peer pressure didnt bother him ? I wondered.

In doing so he won my heart once more and even more regard and respect of his long train of admirers.

KNIGHT IN SHINNING ARMOUR

It’s my 32^nd Valentines Day and I haven’t yet found one for myself. Turning 30 and being single, I assure you, isn’t less than a crusade. People eye you with suspicion all the time to catch any physical or mental disability which is making you unfit for marriage. And now there is one more phrase, thanks to soaps and movies, on the tongue of India housewives that “is she a les? “.

There was a man whom I can justly call “My Knight in Shinning Armor “.It so happened during my college days I was working part time in a local clinic. A very ordinary looking man came with his wife for consultation. His clothes were even simpler but tidy .I could assess from his old and rugged moped his financial status. He later admitted that he owns a small grocery store nearby and wanted affordable treatment for his wife. To my horror she was a patient of depression since 20-25 years and I had to waste my pleasant Sunday morning making her Case history for hours.

The seemingly illiterate attendant of my patient started to narrate his wife’s   past history. The woman, now over 45, was divorced 5 years back by her previous husband after surviving years of torture, beating, insults and mortification. He simply left her saying she is no longer of use to him, and didn’t even let her meet her daughters, which added to her depression and misery.

Tears welled into my eyes when the present husband told that this woman was all alone and there was no one even to treat her, clothe her or feed her. He needed a companion, after death of his first wife, so he married her. The woman was looking on the floor and sobbing all the time. Her old and wrinkled face was by no means pretty. All the time I was looking at the attendant in amazement, wonder and respect. Do such heroes exist outside Bollywood movies?  Are there men who marry for reasons other than beauty, sex etc? How could a man of this status marry for companionship? Questions flooded my mind for a long time.

MY HEART LIES WITH YOU

I and Puneet were notorious for bunking classes and ridiculous activities all over campus. But this was something bolder and far more exciting than all our previous emprise. We stepped down from bus midway to our college. The theatre was only few minutes away. This was the first time we planned to watch cinema secretly and all alone. From buying tickets, waiting in the longue and then finally finding our seats it was heart pounding, sweaty palm journey with adrenalin rushing all the time.

All this lasted till Anil Kapoor stepped on the screen. I forgot all the chips and chocolates we had for munching. His character had it all and transformed me into a different world. He was brave enough to marry a rape victim and defy all social norms. He gave her love, care and respect a girl deserves even though she lost her virginity. He even gave shelter to children from his fathers illicit relations. Are real men ever this strong? Is there anyone broad minded enough to accept brothers and sisters from an illicit relation of a parent?

All through the movie I kept arguing with myself over reel life and real life. How many such heroes exist in reality? There was an advocate, brother of my friend, who was willing to marry one of her clients, also a rape victim. Why virginity of a girl wasn’t an issue for him? Why peer pressure didn’t bother him? But his family used to mock him and never showed any respect or interest for such a match.

Recently I mentioned to an attendant that his mother was abused by his own father for years. And he is the one who is responsible for her anguish and physical illness.  The seeming literate and educated attendant jumped and hurled choicest invectives to me. It was his chauvinism or show of masculinity, I wondered and thanked God when he left without grabbing my collar and hitting me. Was his father above humanity?  What counts more muscle power or mental strength I thought ? Can a son rise against the misdeeds of father and not care about consequences?

Back then I and Puneet were two teenagers mesmerized by the movie and our new gained independence. Leaving the theater I told Puneet that Anil Kapoor had become my knight in shinning armour. “Mine too” Puneet said and we burst into laughter. We sang hamara dil aapke paas hai for Anil Kapoor all our way back home.

LETTER TO A HUSBAND

Darling Husband,

On International Women’s Day I have a few announcements to make. Since all your wedding vows have withered its time to enact a new Post-Nuptial Contract. You have been into relaxing mode ever since we married.

You expect me to be a machine, a friend, an advisor, a cook, an encyclopedia, angel face …but never accept me to be a human being. Your honesty has been declining in terms of treatment towards me. Is this the way you dealt with me when we first met? I now wonder about your selective hearing, cluelessness - or maybe a learned helplessness, emotional handicap.

We concurred to share all household responsibilities 50/50.Post marriage slowly and steadily I have been made the head maid supervising everything and if I do not "take charge” you let things fall apart and remain surgically attached to T.V. remote, rooted to the couch.

To have a baby was a joint decision, joint joy as well as joint responsibility. It is frustrating when I can't check-out for a few days - or even just kick it after a hard day of work - without knowing our children would then only eat fast food, not get to bed in time, have a bath etc.

I am most resentful about my career. You get lot of good strokes with your job because you put many extra hours in it while I am instead zooming out of work so that everything at our home works smoothly. Husbands’ professional success doesn’t mean that the wife’s career is reduced to ashes.

TREAT ME EQUALLY AS A PARTNER

All your grandiloquence about our equivalence has come to nothing. You promised equal partnership in everything but haven’t lived up to your rhetoric. Marriage is like two people pulling a cart together. It isn’t possible until both of us give 100% of our mind, soul and bodies. The moment we join in matrimony you cannot separate yourself as 1+1 equals 1 now and not 2.

You are captain of our ship by mutual agreement. I trust you, your decisions and navigation in most matters. That doesn’t mean I am inferior or incapable of judgement or resolving matters. I am your intellectual equal, as well-read as you. You have greater strength for protecting me and not for domination. Our inequalities are for performing different tasks.

We cannot avoid conflict, resentment, inharmony until both of us are open to discussions and decisions on equal basis so that neither of us is ever considered inferior or less important to the relationship. The dynamics of equality can only be maintained with more effort on your part.

MORALITY OF OUR MARRIAGE

You can’t be a moon shinning and smiling to the world and being cold and dark to me. This is inadequate concept of marriage if husband thinks he can serve god and be a good human being without being good to his wife. God is god of justice he cannot reward your injustice towards me.

Further your spiritual journey is incomplete without me. Remember I am your missing half. You cannot achieve salvation by treating your wife as your mistress.

I WANT MY INDIVIDUALITY

As long as we dated I enjoyed your undivided attention, compliments, appreciation, and encouragement in each and every thing I did. I had value and was treated as a person. Before marriage you laid awake all night thinking about all I said and post marriage you sleep before even I start to speak. Have I made a mistake by saying yes?  I feel trapped in this web all the time.

Marriage has caused you to regress and emotionally stunted. You respect your friends as persons as beings while I remain one of your most prized possessions, your most handy gadget to keep your house going. I am an individual, worthy of talking, be heard and understood. As a wife I have emotional needs and special desires which you have been extremely unfair in fulfilling.

You treat your China better than your ordinary dish isn’t it? So from now on I need your attention and respect as a person. I refuse to accept your indifference and lethargy any longer. When you respect an individual as a person you make genuine effort to be interested in them, in their likes, dislikes and problems.

I will neither dominate and fight for my rights nor will I be dominated by you and be a family slave. From now on I require to be treated equally on all grounds.

                                                                                      Your ever loving Wife